Growing up I always felt like my dad’s jokes were the cheesiest and was always embarrassed around my friends. They were mostly puns, seemingly aimed at an audience of age 6 or less. Now that I’m an adult, I have come to appreciate those kinds of jokes. They might be a little silly, but they are easy to remember, easy to tell, and the reaction to the joke is always entertaining.
So without further ado, here are my favorite dog jokes, most of which I will be telling to my future kids with the same disregard for their popularity and comfort level as my dad did before me:
Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Q: What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee.
Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A Bloodhound.
Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A: They have two left feet.
Q: What breed of dog loves to take a bath?
A: A shampoodle.
Q: What kind of dog can jump as high as a tall building?
A: Any kind. A building can’t jump!
Q: How does a dog stop a VCR?
A: It presses the “paws” button!
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Rough! Rough!
Q: How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard?
A: Put him in your backyard!
Q: What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A: A watchdog.
Q: What kind of dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel.
Q: Why do dogs run in circles?
A: Because it’s too hard to run in squares.
Q: What kind of dog chases anything red?
A: A bull dog.
Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pup-sicle.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? Amazing, right? How about a drink?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”
One weekend morning, a wife says to her husband, “We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”
Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”
The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed to any!”
A man takes his Bulldog to the vet and says “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”
The vet thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well, let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. At long last, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Just because he is cross-eyed?”
“No, because he is really, really heavy.”
On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign reading, “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. “That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
A burglar is sneaking through this house one night, when out of the darkness comes a voice: “I can see you, and Jesus can, too.”
The burglar freezes in his tracks and is too frightened to move. He waits a few moments and nothing more happens, so he moves forward. Again from the darkness comes the voice: “I can see you, and Jesus can, too.” The burglar is petrified and too frightened to move a muscle.
After 30 minutes, he decides to do something. He backs very slowly and tentatively to the wall and feels around for a light switch. He switches on the light and there in front of him sits a cockatoo in a cage, who says, “I can see you, and Jesus can, too.”
Greatly relieved, the burglar sighs, “It’s just a cocktaoo.”
The cockatoo looks at the burglar and says, “I might be just a cockatoo, but Jesus is a big Rottweiler.”
How To Photograph A Puppy (before digital cameras)
- Remove film from box and load camera.
- Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
- Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
- Choose a suitable background for photo.
- Mount camera on tripod and focus.
- Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
- Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
- Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
- Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
- Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
- Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
- Put magazines back on coffee table.
- Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head… Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
- Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, “Potty, outside!”
- Call spouse to clean up the mess.
- Fix a drink.
- Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink, and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.
By: Sam Meyers