They’re out there—the people who unreasonably, strangely, hate cats. They’re ready with their tactless pronouncements, delivered with no prompting: “I HATE cats.” “If you have a cat, your home smells like a litter box.” And the ultimate: “You’re a CAT person?”
As a cat lover, you want to respond to those unwelcome insults by explaining the beauty and the brilliance of cats. But the insulter won’t care if ancient Egypt worshipped felines or how a kitten saved a family of five by meowing them out of a burning home.
There’s only one way to deal with a cat hater. While a hissing match is tempting, a catfight is not the solution. Take a cue from your cat and respond graciously. With a purr in your voice and a feline-savvy comeback on the tip of your tongue, you’ll be ready when someone declares, “I just hate cats!”
Top Comebacks for Cat Haters
“There’s an open casting call for that new reality show “Cat Haters Rule The Universe.” Are you headed for Hollywood?” With this comeback, you’ve ignored her slight against your beloved pet and given her a great career tip. Faster than the twitch of a whisker, her ego’s going into overdrive—can she fake the flu long enough to skip work and audition? (Maybe she’ll get permanently lost on her way to stardom.)
“Studies prove that cats are magnets for the sexiest, most successful and philanthropic people on the planet.” This is a subtle putdown that might buzz past the hater’s ears. Cat fans are busy raising funds to help felines in need, attending black tie galas and dazzling everyone around with charm and kindness—in between prowling the cat food aisle at the supermarket, of course. Naturally cats attract only the most discerning, compassionate humans—the ones who have no time to hate cats!
“My cat just became the spokes-tabby for a new line of hybrid SUVs. Watch for her commercial!” Even Grumpy Cat would approve! The thought of a cat promoting a gleaming, earth-friendly vehicle will rattle your neighbor’s transmission. He’ll be seething as he guns his 12-year-old gas-guzzler down the street.
“Hey, in your next life, YOU might come back as a cat!” Way to wreck someone’s day! While we imagine a cat’s life as a pampered existence, filled with sunny catnaps and human adoration, your cat-hating colleague is horrified by the vision of a tail, flea baths and eating pink guck from a can. Now she’s hoping to return as anything except a feline. How ‘bout a fruit fly?
“Too bad you’re wasting all that juice hating cats–people who LOVE cats burn 500 more calories per hour, even when we’re asleep.” Must be from all the effort we spend removing cat hair—but don’t tell the cat hater that! Let her stew as she contemplates the goodies she could scarf down while effortlessly burning an extra 12,000 calories a day. Pizzas bigger than a radial tire, triple hot fudge sundaes with a mountain of whipped cream, anyone? And for my cat, please hold the hot fudge, double on the catnip.
“My cat recently won the lottery, but she’s only sharing the wealth with her admirers.” Yes, you let Fluffy use her claws on those scratch-off tickets, because she’s a natural, and you did use the kitty litter rebate to buy them. And she did uncover three matching Scottie dog images to score a legit lottery prize. Your neighbor will never know the generous winnings paid almost enough for a small bag of premium cat food. She deserves to fret over just how many millions her catty insults have cost her.
“Did you read that medical report about how cat haters age 397% faster?” Deeply frowning over the presence of felines, nose wrinkling at the thought of a litter box and tightly pursing lips in disapproval of three tabby kittens crowded at a neighbor’s window, all will leave impressions that last longer than a cat’s nine lives. If age is just a number, your cat-hating colleague can count very high, very fast!
“Since you hate cats, I guess you won’t be signing this petition to make International I Love Cats Day a three-day holiday weekend with pay?” Who doesn’t love a three-day weekend? Can anyone resist a paid holiday, whether it’s celebrating National Share Some Zucchini Day or giving tribute to felines? Through gritted teeth and muttered swear words, your feline-hating colleague may actually sign on the dotted line.
“My cat is smarter than your honor student.” How can anyone argue? Your regal kitty sits like a queen on the couch, quietly purring and napping, enrolled in an online frequent buyer program that saves bucks with every purchase of food and litter. Your insulter’s slacker daughter cuts classes, Tweets unflattering photos of a substitute teacher, has more pierces than a pincushion and texts friends all night long, cha-ching-ing up a massive phone bill. Cn ur cat do tht? OMG, cats dnt txt!
“A generous donation in your name has been made to a no-kill cat shelter.” Now you’ve done it: you’ve uttered the words “donation,” “generous” and “in your name.” Any cat hater who’s ready to seethe and spew more insults at the world’s calico population will halt in his or her tracks, confused about what’s appropriate in the face of such misplaced generosity. Your cat, of course, would know the only proper response should be, “Thanks.”
“I’m so sorry you hate cats because I KNOW how much they love you!” Boom! A direct hit to the ego. So what if she hates cats? You’ve shamed her by reminding her that cats observe the Golden Rule—cheerfully spreading their brand of kindness even among those who regard cats as evildoers. Cats do tune in to the vibes of those who dislike them, and whenever they can, will get up close and personal, hoping one more human will become a cat-worshipper.
Kathy Blumenstock is owned by cats, loved by dogs, writes about both, and still longs for a horse.