We adore our cats, whose 24/7 adorableness brightens our lives. That is, we love them until they do something so annoying, so infuriating, so feline that just for a sliver of a nanosecond, we want to hate them—even if they make it nearly impossible to do so.
While You Were Sleeping
Or rather, trying to sleep. No, it’s not your significant other—it’s your cat. He’s deep in the REM cycle, breathing thunderous gusts that only another snoring cat could sleep through. He burrows deeper into the pillow while you toss and turn to escape the symphony. You’re tempted to wake up Tabby to re-set the snore button, but even in your sleep-deprived state, you feel a thrill of pride. Only the most relaxed, contented, secure cats will snore. As yours buzzes away with bliss, you marvel at the precious sight, then yawn again. You can always sleep at work (assuming your boss doesn’t snore).
Floor It
Your pale beige carpets and hardwood floors are pristine after a session with a deep-cleaning machine. You’re all set for holiday visits from family and friends. But wait—what’s that trail of darkish fur, in tiny, then larger clumps, ruining the 100% wool vista? When faced with a carpet in a spotless state, your cat decides it’s a great grooming spot, and christens it by yanking out all that ready-to-shed fur. You could despair at Fluffy’s serious grooming ritual, or just laugh at the hair trail leading to … hmmm … an empty cat food dish.
O Christmas Tree
The tree glows with subtle LED lighting and artfully placed ornaments. That fresh evergreen scent brings the holidays home. Isn’t it nice to have a live tree for once, instead of the usual artificial variety? But then the tree starts to quiver suddenly, with ornaments toppling off, lights flashing, pine needles shedding. Yes, it’s that 10-lb. bundle of purr clawing its way up the trunk to higher branches, eager to claw that shiny star on top. Could any Christmas tree be complete without a cat clinging to its branches?
Just Dessert
Your dinner party is a success, but the real crowd-pleaser will be your freshly baked red velvet cupcakes. Piled high with fluffy frosting, they’re poised atop a silver serving tray on the kitchen table—where your beloved cat has just parked herself, examining and sniffing every one of the little cakes like a fussy quality control expert. When she notices your white-hot glare of anger, she greets you with a kitten-size meow and a raised paw, like a thumbs-up for your baking brilliance.
Makeup Your Mind
Pretty but pricey, in shiny silver tubes, your new lipstick and coordinating lip-gloss are in place before your mirror, ready to work their colorful magic. But what’s that rattling noise coming from your empty bathtub? Sounds like a hockey game or curling match. Apparently your new $21 Raspberry Shimmer is the fast-rolling puck and your cat is the star player. Goal!
Open Drawer Policy
Your cat is a born explorer with clever paws. Is it any surprise she’s also found her way deep into your sweater drawer? Nudging aside the cardigans and crewnecks, she nestles in for a cozy nap, right on top of the ivory cashmere. You could just grab her and deposit her somewhere else, but all fashion is enhanced by a clump of cat hair, right?
Shop and Ship
The season’s must-have handbag is listed for cheap at an online discount site. But your budget is tighter than a pair of skinny jeans. After inputting your billing info, choosing a fun color and saying yes to overnight shipping, you reluctantly close that “Place Order Now” window on your tablet—step away from the chic handbag! But your cat knows that bag is so you. She’s also happens to be fascinated by your tablet. Tap! Confirm. Repeat. Your cat has just ordered two dozen of that on-trend purse.
Kathy Blumenstock is owned by cats, loved by dogs, writes about both, and still longs for a horse.
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